The Clipboard Virus: Don’t Let the Street Preachers Know about This

Recently during the opening exercises of Priesthood Meeting, I was sitting quietly by myself with several books open on my lap, trying to get some studying and planning in while the meeting gradually got started. Things were going just fine until someone from behind walked over to me and handed me a clipboard with a sign-up sheet of some kind. I think this was a sheet of people ready to commit to offering rides for people wishing to attend a distant Stake Temple Day. My memory is fading – maybe this was the sign-up sheet for those who had chain saws that they could bring to a service project at a local park. No, I think this was the sheet for volunteers with pressure washers and industrial cleaning equipment willing to clean-up after a Primary food fight planned in the Stake Center. In any case, I groaned silently. I had just been infected with the Clipboard Virus. Third time in three weeks!

It’s such a difficult virus to stamp out, for each new infected soul becomes possessed with incredible feelings of guilt if they don’t immediately act to spread the virus to someone else. Even knowing that this was a virus, there was little I could do. I stared at the sign-up sheet blankly for a few seconds, felt the weight of the Clipboard upon trembling knees, and then, feeling that the welfare of the entire ward, perhaps the entire stake, depended on my making sure that the Clipboard was handed to some other uninfected soul, I put all my books down, closed my note pad, set down my pen, moved my stuff out of my way, stood up, and walked like a cursed zombie up the aisle to find someone who had not yet joined the ranks of the Clipboard Carriers. “Here you go. Have you seen this yet?” He looked blankly at it, knowing immediately that it had nothing to do with him and that he had no interest in anything on the Clipboard. But moments later another zombie would stand and seek out an uninfected victim, also feeling distracted and irritated.

Please don’t let the anti-Mormon street preacher crowd know about the genetic vulnerability Mormons have to the Clipboard virus. If only they knew its power, they would recognize that yelling into bullhorns and waving underwear in people’s faces on their way to General Conference or other LDS events is a completely lame and ineffective way to disrupt Mormon worship. They could do much more harm by simply slipping into one of our meetings and handing someone in the back row a Clipboard. “This is the sign-up sheet for volunteers for the Stake crop-circle activity next month. You know, the one to make a giant Angel Moroni in some beet fields. Pass it on.”


Author: Jeff Lindsay

6 thoughts on “The Clipboard Virus: Don’t Let the Street Preachers Know about This

  1. The clipboard/signup sheet is very important. It helps commit people to service work when one could just agree to come and then forget later. We could then call them and remind them of the signup sheet and their previous commitment. Therefore, ending all excuses of forgetfulness and keeping the EQ Quorum Presidency from having to do it all. Evil but effective. 🙂

  2. I can understand why some people intentionally miss opening exercises. I think what bothers me about clipboards and impromptu calls for volunteers in Priesthood/Relief Society is that those of us that are married/have families don’t get a chance to confer with our spouses/families. Hence I am more likely to pass on signing up because I don’t want to sign up for something only to have to get out of it or forget to share it with my family and create a conflict there.

  3. Its a tough one. How does one get volunteers? Should we call them at home? I think it is more effective to ask for help while at church. For the most part I know if I should be available for an hour Saturday morning or for an hour Wednesday night. If something comes up then fine. Otherwise, many hands make light work!!

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